


Ghost of You

by notimmortal



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And including some of the lyrics, Angst, But Connor is dead, But I'm including it, Established Relationship, Evan is probably ooc, He's dead at the start of the fic, I just like how he flowed in this fic regardless of accuracy, I mean, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loosely inspired by a 5sos song, M/M, So I'm not entirely sure that the major character death tag is necessary, Suicide, There's arguably too much crying and hugging in this fic, but again, but what can you do, i guess, kind of hopeful ending, majorly, what can you do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 05:46:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15017969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notimmortal/pseuds/notimmortal
Summary: Connor Murphy is dead and his boyfriend, Evan Hansen, doesn't know how to go on.





	Ghost of You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Hello!
> 
> So I loved the new 5sos album, especially "Ghost of You" and knew from the moment I listened to it that I was going to turn it into a tree bros fic. 
> 
> I apologize for the ooc-ness, I wanted to try a more sad tone for Evan rather than the anxious tone I usually write him with, trying to focus in on the relationship he had with Connor.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

 

_ I’m sorry to do this to you, Ev. I’m so sorry. But things… I know I told you I was getting better. I told Larry I was getting better. I told Cynthia and Zoe I was getting better. Fuck, I even told your  _ _ mom _ _ , I was getting better. _

 

_ I’m sorry, Evan, but it was a lie.  _

 

_ I’m sorry that you’re going to wake up tomorrow morning to this. Maybe it’ll come in the form of a desperate phone call from Zoe or my mother, begging you to come to the hospital. Maybe it will come in the form of a knock on your door and the stoic face of Larry telling you what happened. Maybe Kleinman will have seen something about it online (because somehow it always ends up online, Ev, I always hated that and you know it) and he’ll come to your house and try to break the news to you. _

 

_ The news that I’m dead. _

 

_ I thought I could do it, Evan. I thought I could make it out. But I couldn’t. I tried so damn hard and I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to, for you, but I just… _

 

_ Please don’t feel responsible for this, you helped more than you could possibly know. All of my best memories involved you, all the stuff that made me want to stay involved you but it was time for me to go.  _

 

_ I love you, Evan Hansen. I love you so fucking much.  _

 

_ I’m sorry that this will hurt you, because I know it will Ev and that still isn’t enough to make me stop. This is it, love. I’ll see you on the other side. _

 

_ Sincerely,  _

 

_ Me. _

 

***

 

Connor was right, in the end.

 

Just 5 minutes after getting the call from Zoe, Jared was at his front door.

 

“I heard what happened, some chick named Jenna was tweeting about it, are you alright?”

 

“He always hated how quickly everything ended up online,” Evan said softly before the dam broke and he was sobbing in Jared’s arms. Through gasping breaths, Evan managed to get out, “Zoe… Zoe said there was a note… a note for me. His note for me. I can’t… What am I gonna do, Jared?”

 

Jared tried his best to console his friend. “It’s gonna be okay, Ev. I promise.”

 

“He’s gone, Jare. He’s really gone.”

 

***

 

The funeral was held a little over a week later. 

 

Evan hadn’t been able to bring himself over to the Murphy’s before this, knowing all too well that the grief he was experiencing was different from theirs. But he was expected to speak, he was the boyfriend after all. As much as he hated public speaking and as much as he just wanted to lay down and never get back up, Evan knew he had to do this. For Connor.

 

“Connor was the second person I ever called a friend and the first person I ever had the privilege of calling a boyfriend,” Evan said shakily, looking down at the notecards he had written. “When I had…” Evan paused, looking at his prewritten words  _ when I had my accident _ but it wasn’t an accident and Evan knew that. Connor had known that. “When I had tried to take my own life, Connor was the one who found me. The one who saved me. He was able to get me to the hospital, as I had broken my arm, and he stayed with me until I could go home. That’s how we met and became friends and, eventually, more than friends. He helped me up and I tried to help him up, too, but… But sometimes our best efforts aren’t enough. 

 

“Connor told me not to blame myself, but how can I not? I didn’t see the light going out in his eyes, didn’t see the signs that I should have. Connor was a remarkable person. Not a great person, but a person who was getting better. A good person. A person who had seen the dark and the light in the world. A person that I love and will always love. Connor, if you can hear me, I want you to know that I love you and I’m sorry. I’ll see you on the other side, my love.”

 

There was polite applause but Evan didn’t hear it, the world around him growing fuzzy as the tears poured down his face. 

 

“Your speech was beautiful, Evan,” Cynthia said to him after the funeral. “I had no idea that this was something you had struggled with as well. It was so brave of you to talk about it, to talk about Connor in that way,” Cynthia gave him a tight hug. “I have a box, in the car, with some stuff… Some stuff of Connor’s I thought it would be better for you to have.”

 

“I, I couldn’t possibly take-”

 

“Evan,” Cynthia cut him off, squeezing his arm. “I wouldn’t have boxed it up if I didn’t want you to have it. You… He loved you. So much. It would be wrong for me to keep pieces of him from you.”

 

Evan nodded, trying to give Cynthia a smile. He followed her to the Murphy’s car, Zoe already in the back seat. “Hi, Zoe.”

 

“Hey, Ev. How are you holding up?” Zoe asked, wiping away a few tears. Before he could answer, Zoe held out a box. “Mom got this all prepared for you. It’s got some pictures and stuff in there, too.”

 

“Thanks,” Evan said, giving a small wave to Cynthia before walking away, words failing. 

 

“Hey, Evan?” Zoe called after him. He turned to see her following him down the sidewalk. The two of them stopped a few feet away from the car, out of earshot of the Murphy parents.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Please take care of yourself. Don’t… I lost one brother already, Ev. I can’t go through this again with you too,” she said, pulling Evan into a hug. “Please, Evan.”

 

Evan pulled Zoe in closer, a few tears falling onto her shoulder. “I promise.”

 

***

 

Evan got home, took his suit off, and pulled on Connor’s old sweater. He had left it at the Hansen house months ago, telling Evan that it looked better on him anyway. Evan always wore it when he was anxious or sad, revelling in the linger scent of Connor and allowing it to calm him down.

 

Casting a glance at the box, Evan decided there was no time like the present and opened it. At the top was a journal, the letters “CM” at the top. Evan briefly flicked through it, seeing a mix of writings and drawings inside. He would look through it more deeply later, choosing instead to keep going through the box.

 

There was a mug in there, from one of their dates. They went to one of those pottery painting places, working on the mug together (it was Evan’s idea, he had been looking up good places for dates and Connor couldn’t bring himself to turn Evan down). There was a faint lipstick stain by the handle, from one of the few times Connor experimented with something other than nail polish. Time had faded it away, but it still remained right on the edge.

 

There was an old Led Zeppelin t-shirt in the box as well, the one that Connor had been wearing during his first attempt at his life shortly after he and Evan became friends. He said he did it because “No one could feel my hurt”. That’s when Evan told him that he hadn’t fallen out of the tree on that day their friendship started, he had let go.

 

_ “You what?” _

 

_ “I let go of the tree. I was supposed to die there, but instead I ended up with a broken arm. A broken arm, and you,” Evan hugged Connor, shocking them both. “Don’t do this again, please. I couldn’t live with it if you did. I’m here, Con. I’m here and I feel your hurt but I will help in any way that I can.” _

 

Evan shook the memory from his brain, returning his focus to the box. Like Zoe said, there were pictures in there. It seemed like Cynthia had compiled an entire photo album for Evan. Some were just old pictures of Connor, pictures from his childhood and the years before Evan. The rest were pictures of the two of them from the past year and a half. They looked so happy, always smiling at each other. The last picture was a candid that Evan could only imagine Zoe took. It was Connor and Evan, kissing under one of the trees in the old orchard. A single tear dripped onto the page and Evan closed the book, not wanting to ruin the picture.

 

There were other miscellaneous things at the bottom of the box: a few things of nail polish, some books, a Spider-Man action figure. All pieces of the Connor that Evan could never get back. 

 

Turning his attention back to the journal, Evan opened it up. The first entry was surprisingly about him.

 

_ I guess this journal is supposed to help, but honestly it’s all bullshit. The only thing that’s helped at all is Evan. _

 

_ He was the one who convinced Larry to let me see a therapist in the first place, talking about how much it helped him. I could tell Ev didn’t want to talk about it, but the fact that he did all that for me… I could never thank him enough for it. _

 

_ Zoe likes to tease me sometimes, telling me that I’m in love with Evan. Larry overheard her yesterday, telling her that I’m ‘Too young and too dumb to know things like love’. Zoe thought I was going to snap, but I didn’t. I wanted to prove that I was getting better, that I’m able to handle myself. _

 

_ I’m not too young or dumb to know what love is. And maybe Zo is right, maybe I do love him. _

 

Evan almost dropped the journal, tears overtaking him. It was all too much and the only person he ever turned to when things got to be too much was gone now.

 

Gone and never coming back.

 

He pushed through, skipping ahead some and reading another entry.

 

_ Evan… Treats me too well. _

 

_ We started dating recently (much to my surprise and Zoe’s delight) and well. He’s just too good for me. _

 

_ But he says that I’m too good for him, too, so I don’t know what the truth is. I guess we balance each other out, calm each other down. _

 

_ I know he was kinda bummed about missing the homecoming dance, wanting the experience but it’s ultimately bad for his anxiety and my aggression. _

 

_ So I told him we’d have our own dance right here. _

 

_ I danced with him through the house (Zoe was at the dance and Cynthia and Larry were out with some friends). At one point we were just… slow dancing. Through the entire house, constantly moving. I’ve never done anything like that before. _

 

_ I kissed him at one point. Or maybe he kissed me. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. _

 

_ It made me forget, for a little while, how messed up I am. _

 

Evan remembered that night so vividly. It was the best night of his life, dancing around with Connor, away from all the prying eyes of their peers. He found himself trying to recreate the movements in his empty house, trying to pretend that Connor was still there with him, dancing in his arms.

 

He was halfway out of his room when the cold truth shot through him: his feet just didn’t dance the same as they did with Connor.

 

He wasn’t that same as he was with Connor.

 

Evan wanted to drown it out, but he couldn’t. Not anymore.

 

***

 

_ Dear Connor Murphy, _

 

_ It’s been a year since you left, Con.  _

 

_ I still miss you, your family still misses you, hell, even Jared misses you (not that he’d ever admit it, but I know it’s true). _

 

_ Despite all this, I think it’s time to move on, Con. I think I have to. _

 

_ I’m headed off to college next year (same college as Jared, though he started last year. I needed the gap year, needed to clear my head and make some money). It’s a good chance to meet new people, experience new things. A chance to try again. _

 

_ I don’t know for sure that you’ll see this, I can only hope that you do, but know that I could never forget you. Me moving on isn’t me trying to forget you. You meant, you  _ _ mean _ _ , too much to me for me to forget you. _

 

_ But I know you’d want me to move on, want me to live a life that you couldn’t. So I’m going to do that. For you. For us. _

 

_ I want you to know that I will love you until the day I die, and probably after that too. No matter what happens, you will always hold part of my heart. I’m still waiting for the day that I get to see you on the other side.  _

 

_ Your mom is giving me permission to bury this right next to your headstone, so like I said, I hope you can see it. If not, it’s always there. _

 

_ I love you, Connor Murphy. _

 

_ I’ll see you again. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

 

_ Me. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required. Come bother me on [tumblr](https://ireallyneedabetterusername.tumblr.com/) I'm always in the mood for prompts! All my ships are in my description.


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